The fact of the matter is that the zombie apocalypse is coming – we all know it, and most of us accept it. And the even harder truth is that we need to ready ourselves. For years there have been movies, TV shows, books… but I think a simple checklist will be easier to follow and remember when the horde is bashing at your door. So, read this, and you’ll be prepared to survive the apocalypse…you know, until the inevitable event of zombies overpowering you and eating your flesh before you join their ranks of undead and devour your friends and family. Anyway, on with the list!
Step 1: Have a Sit Down
First of all, take a deep breath and sit down. Ignore the banging fists of flesh-eating undead outside your window and just relax. Maybe have a glass of wine, or watch an episode of Friends, or cuddle with your pet cat (helpful hint: check they’re not zombified first). But there is nothing a good sit down cannot help.
Step 2: Gather Your Comrades
Now is the time for your zombie apocalypse plan to kick in – Facebook, Tweet or text your BFFS and go to your pre-designated meeting spot. I recommend you share a car to save on petrol. Now is also the time to decide which of your friend group you really could live without – maybe that annoying ex and their psychotic new girlfriend, or that dickhead who always copies your test answers or knicks your sandwich from the work fridge. Now is the time to eliminate the weakest link.
Step 3: Find a Secure Place and Secure It More
Pillow forts and dust sheet tents are always good, and if you throw in some fluffy cushions and fairylights it will also look good in your Instagram pictures. #hordeatmydoor
Step 4: Ensure You Have Wifi
There is no point – I repeat, no point – in being alive during the apocalypse and saving all your friends and all that other shit, if you can’t Tweet about it. You need Wifi in your secure location. This is crucial.
Step 5: Keep Hydrated
Fluids are just as important as food, at the first signs of the apocalypse you should be stocking up on all those ‘2 for 1’ deals on your favourite fizzy drinks and yes, even alcohol. I’m not a big drinker, but if you’ve had an amateur foot amputation from a couple of zombies, it seems like a strong glass of something might help ease the pain of your girlfriend proceeding to shoot you in the face.
Step 6: Snacks
You. Need. Snacks. Snacks are the strong point of any road trip, camping trip or getaway plan. Trail mix, pretzels, crisps…any kind of snack food is recommended. (Helpful hint: buy food you know the other members of your team don’t like, and you’ll last the longest) The other thing that’s great about snack foods is that they don’t need cooking – this is another opportunity where liking cold pizza is a virtue.
Step 7: Arm Yourselves
Now, obviously weapons are easier to get hold of in certain countries. In England we don’t just have guns readily available – but they are around. Consider raiding a Police station or firearms shop, and don’t rule out killing people for their snazzy hi-tech weapons. It’s an apocalypse, they’re gonna die anyway. However, if you can’t get hold of guns, or would rather close combat weapons, then baseball bats, plastic swords, hairbrushes, saucepans…most household items can be used as weapons. And don’t forget that sticking nails into almost anything improves its lethality (helpful hint: this doesn’t apply to your comrades).
Step 8: Organise Look-out Duties
Your lookout will be your ears, eyes and other bodily parts (especially if you’ve already lost various things to the zombies), so make sure it’s someone you trust to warn you, rather than just leg it when they hear that fateful moan. High-up places like trees or building roofs or lighthouses (idk man, you might live near a lighthouse) are the best spots for the lookout. If possible, have walkie-talkies – those funky play ones you get in Toys ‘R’ Us will do just fine – to communicate when the zombies are coming. And remember, code words are always fun. It may be the end of days, but you can still be creative!
Step 9: Wait for the Zombies
This is the boring part. To make it more fun I suggest group games like Monopoly or Jenga, or even rounds of video games (ones with zombies as your opponents may be helpful in mental preparation). It is also important in this time to catch-up on any TV you’ve missed. You don’t want to die and have your last thought be ‘I wonder where Daenerys ever actually came out of the closet in that next episode of Game of Thrones…’ (Helpful hint: Shut up, the Mother of Dragons is totally gay).
Step 10: Fight Those MuthaFuckas!
If you’ve done everything prior to this on the list, then chances are you’re well prepared for this. Be brave and embrace the action, don’t hang back at the tail of the fight because it’s likely you’ll just get bitten from some lurky zombie behind you (the best position for safety is in the middle – or in that lighthouse I mentioned). Good luck in your endeavour to stay alive, and I wish you the most dramatic death possible.