So recently someone told me she had feelings for me; and in due course I explained all the reasons why she shouldn’t, and rattled off the list of my negative qualities. But later on I realised, there are also upsides to them. Some of my ‘worst’ qualities are almost simultaneously my best.
For example, I am incredibly stubborn. But in the best possible way – for I am determined. When I set my mind to something, I always achieve it or keep trying until I do, however annoyed I get or however much I get knocked back.
Similarly, I stick firmly to my morals. I have very strong convictions, and I will always pick people up if they go against these. I believe in equality and honesty and I hate cheating and selfishness. I believe whole-heartedly in my values.
I consider myself to be open-minded but I guess also in a way, I am quite closed-minded, because I believe that my values are correct about 90% of the time.
However I am open to other opinions, although I will often set off believing my way is right, and I will be stubborn about it, I will listen to others’ ideas and opinions and if I realise they are right, I am able to apologise and admit I was wrong.
I hold myself to incredibly high standards. But at the same time, I often let people slip by – if I’m the only one at risk of getting hurt, I don’t seem to care. I value other people’s happiness and well-being, but not my own?
I consistently say that all sizes are beautiful… but then I spend years hating myself and trying to change something that fundamentally I simply cannot change on a molecular level.
In the same way, I am very caring. But only about other people. I’m getting better, but in general I’ll forget to do basic things like take my meds or drink water or get enough sleep… I’ll forget to give myself leeway if I’m tired or stressed or upset, but god knows I won’t let someone else neglect to look after themselves.
People often say I am funny, I consider myself to be blunt, sarcastic and patronising.
They say I am creative and imaginative, I insist that I am not intelligent.
I’m told that I am organised, a good leader and responsible, I say that I’m simply pedantic and a control-freak.
There are some great things about me, I am honest and incredibly loyal… but I am also cynical and over-analytical and distrusting. But then again, can’t it be said that maybe I am just realistic and cautious? I realise that. I see myself for who I am, both good and bad. But often more the bad.
And how many times a day do you do that? Maybe we should all just… stop. When we find we’re putting ourselves down, we simply take a moment and reverse the perspective of how we see ourselves. It seems like a good exercise. I know that’s not always possible, but it’s worth a shot, right?