Last year I posted this blog post listing some resolution-type goals for 2015. To pass my driving test, to finish my first year of university, to get a tattoo or new piercing, to spend time on myself, to accept my body and to continue improving my mental health. These were half-successful. A rundown of my 2015 is…
- I got a tattoo
- I got four new piercings
- I passed my first year of university at the top of my course
- I went back to the doctor & got put back onto medication
- I met some amazing new people
- I made several short films
- I moved into my own studio flat
- I failed my practical driving test ughhhh
- I progressed my major screenplay into the 70 page zone
- I shaved half my hair off repeatedly
- I got a full-time job to pay my rent
- I bought a lot of button-ups and flannel shirts
2015 was ups and downs, but honestly I don’t think anyone ever has a year that isn’t. I’m leaving 2015 behind me, with a sense not of satisfaction, nor nostalgia, but just of distance. A lot happened in 2015 which wasn’t good, I didn’t achieve all my ‘goals’, and there’s things that went backwards or are just as stagnant as they were at the end of 2014, but I still made it this far.
Every year I expect it to end with me triumphantly bragging about all I’ve achieved, and this year I’ve genuinely accomplished a lot I’m proud of, but I think for me it will always come back to the fact that the bravest and most accomplished thing I did this year is the same thing I do every day, which is get up and go on living. It might seem insignificant, but to me it’s something I worked on for so long and now it’s something that finally comes slightly easier. Grades or a new haircut doesn’t really seem important when I compare it to that. It’s boring and cliched, but every single day that I get out of bed or open the curtains or talk to someone I achieve something.
This year I got to spend time with myself, and I won’t lie and say ‘I love me now’ or ‘I’m so happy with myself’ but I will say 2016 isn’t bringing a new, better me. It’s the same me, I’m just evolving. The me from 2008 or 2013 isn’t one to be ashamed of or distance myself from, because they got me here. The past seven years were an uphill battle, but 2014 was truly a war zone, and it was the hardest year of my life. 2015 was levelling the playing field. It was a stepping stone for me, allowing me to move on and distance myself from 2014. And it made me realise just how strong I’ve become. I’ve always been stubborn, but this year I realised just how resilient I am, and how my stubbornness can truly be used as strength.
In 2016 I of course have goals – to actually pass my driving test, to continue working on my body, to get amazing grades in my second year of university, to progress this blog more towards a filmic mindset, to stay on my medication without feeling guilty. To continue changing, without forcing or rushing it, or being ashamed of it. And to always acknowledge my strength when I refuse to give up.
“But tonight / I haven’t given up / and I’ll take that / that’s a start / tonight / I haven’t given up / and I’ll take that / even though it isn’t much” – ‘Falling Asleep in the Grass’, by Ashley Wylde
Thank you for reading my blog this year, I hope you all have a wonderful New Year and are all happy and healthy, both mentally and physically. Pursue your dreams, focus on yourself, remember you got your back. And that’s the only back up you need.